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In the 1970's, America watched as The Brady Bunch homogenized two families into a perfectly blended home, as if nothing in the world was unusual about their circumstances. In half hour sequences, these bell-bottomed step siblings resolved benign disputes of jealousy, bad manners, and mindless pranks as if they were counting on viewers to forget their origins. America bought it, romanticizing their uniqueness.
Today, there is nothing unique about combined families, the numbers having risen dramatically in the last thirty years. Kids with stepparents are often labeled as "his, hers or ours." The rise in combined families has opened our collective eyes to just how fictitious The Brady Bunch truly was. Problems that can be solved in thirty minutes aren't problems at all, and stepmothers are seldom embraced from the beginning as "our mom" by teenage boys. In the beginning, liking each other may very well take a backseat to learning how to overcome power struggles and tolerate each other.
The dynamics of step families differs with each personality. Clashes are inevitable. Most of these conflicts are rooted in insecurity, brought on by uncertainty. Kids coming into a combined family are most often those who have endured either a divorce between their natural parents or the death of a parent. Their emotional senses have been brought to new heights. The foundation they once held as stable and solid is gone, and life is no longer routine.
Stepparents often find themselves the brunt of these kids' frustrations and fears. This is uncharted water for everyone, so the adults end up playing their role without the advantage of experience. Be reassured, you are not alone. Millions of people are desperately trying to find their footing in this new position. Here are a few tips that will help you keep things in perspective:
Don't push. Kids can sense a public relations job a mile away. Let them draw closer at their own pace.
Be yourself. Trying to change yourself to suit every situation will wear you out physically and emotionally, and it offers only temporary solutions, at best.
Be realistic. Life is rarely like a sit-com. Some differences simply are not "fixable," and everyone must learn to make allowances. Identify and respect their boundaries, and expect them to do likewise.
Don't accept manipulation. Yes, even "good" kids are professionals at the art of manipulation. Don't overreact, but be sure they know you are aware of what's going on.
Depend on spousal cooperation. Together, you and your partner must address the issues, agree on a few simple ground rules, and agree to count on each other for support. Keep those areas where you disagree between yourselves and work on them privately.
Be consistent. Build as much certainty into your family life as possible. Details such as dinner time, bed time, homework checks, etc., help kids adjust much easier. Schedules help to establish stability, a factor that can have a huge influence on behavior and attitude.
There are no secrets for creating the harmonious structure from a '70s sit-com. But, time, communication and mutual respect bring some wonderful and often unexpected rewards to the combined family. You may be surprised to find you've gained a new friend from the experience.
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